When the Florida shooting happened last week, immediately my teacher friends and I began texting and messaging each other. One of my teacher friends asked to be a guest blogger and write her thoughts here, but then changed her mind. I kind of feel the same hesistancy about saying anything on this topic. It seems really complex and quite frankly, it almost seems heartless to see everyone arguing about why these things happen on Facebook. Gun control, no God in school, better parenting, more mental health....I felt like I really didn't have anything new to add. Sue Klebold, mother of Dylan Kelbold who was a victim of suicide as well as a shooter in the Columbine shootings (whom I will reference much throughout this post) writes that after Columbine: "Blame swirled. Too many guns were the problem, said one faction. There hadn't been enough guns, said another, every teacher should be armed. A lack of family values was to blame, etc,etc. Amid all this, people were trying to mourn the dead and heal the injured, while scrambling to rebuild a sense of community, a sense of safety."
So many teachers have shared their ideas more eloquently than I will here. Everything they have said so far, has been true. Put your phone down. Seriously, when you are sitting in a parent teacher conference or picking your child up from school, put your phone away. Hold your child accountable. Teachers spend a large chunk of time with your kid, and see them interact in settings that you don't often get to. We refer to our students as "our kids" and (MOST of us) want to be on your team in regards to your child. When we tell you your kid has been acting out of line, just believe us. Don't ask your child to reaffirm our report (which just shows them you really don't respect our position and in turn sends a message to your child that he or she doesn't need to respect us either). A few years ago I had a little boy in my class whom I really enjoyed. Except, there was a small period of time where he seemed to be "getting too big for his britches". He was treating his friends poorly, and didn't seem to be getting the message from me that he needed to "turn things around". And let me tell you, it's not EASY to tell parents things that are not positive about their children. Usually parents throw out a long list of reasons for the behavior (they are so tired, routines have been off at home, they are sad, other kids are bothering them,etc) I've heard it all. I was so surprised when his mother agreed with me immediately and apologized on behalf of her son, and assured me his behavior would turn around. (SERIOUSLY, this RARELY happens). I found out that over the weekend, his parents woke him up bright and early on a Saturday morning and drove him to different classmates homes. He had to knock on the their doors and apologize to the different kids he had treated not the best over the last few weeks face to face. Then he apologized to me on Monday (and we hugged because its still okay to hug your teacher in second grade). That kid had a great rest of the year, and I remember thinking I really hope I have the courage to parent like that someday. Holding your child accountable seems like such a "small" thing to throw out there as advice in the wake of such a big tragedy, but ask any teacher, and they will tell you that accountability is a huge issue in our schools today. Also, children feel loved when they are held accountable. Children are searching for us to teach them the boundaries in this big ol' world. Kids also need to learn empathy and remorse. Are your children empathetic? Do they show remorse when hurting others? These are things you need to be watching for, and helping instill within them. In Sue Kelbold's book, A Mothers Reckoning, she writes that "loving our kids makes us more susceptible to ignoring disturbing behaviors, or explaining them away. This is especially true when the kid in question is "a good kid" and when we have a good relationship. It's a fight to see these behaviors clearly, and to act when we notice something. But you'll never forgive yourself if you don't."
I really wish that when these things happened the media (instead of replaying footage of a gun man shooting, which in turn has been shown to inspire depressed, mentally ill people to copycat) would turn over air time to the people who know all to well about this stuff.I have spent some time in the last few years reading memoirs and books written by family members of people involved in school shootings. I have seen and listened to Darrel Scott speak (the father of Rachel Scott who was killed in Columbine). And as previously mentioned, I read this book:
which had a profound impact on my life. You might think you have this whole thing "figured out" and all the answers to how we can "fix" these school shooting problems until you let Sue's story humble you. Like when she talks about how loved her son had been. How she held his pudgy little hand after his first day of kindergarten, how she read There's a Wocket in My Pocket! to him a thousand times, how she scrubbed his little league uniform, how she loved him while sharing a bowl of popcorn with him while watching a movie together a month before he died. Her son was so loved by his parents, and grew up in what many would call a "normal" home, but in the end, that wasn't enough to keep him from harming himself and others. This story will humble you and your ideas on school shooters. All proceeds of you purchasing this book go towards Mental Health America, National Alliance on Mental Illness, America Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Brain and Behavior Research Foundation. By just ordering this book, you have sent a small donation towards helping in this fight. Every parent and educator should read this book. While telling her story, Sue talks about how most attackers show some history of suicidal attempts or thoughts. Better access to these mental health resources may not be "the answer" but its pretty close to a good one. Sue talks about how she wishes she could go back and recognize the red flags she missed. "When we search our children's rooms or read their journals, we risk that they will feel betrayed. However they may be hiding problems they cannot manage by themselves." We like to think we know all about our children, but we don't. Go through their rooms, read through all of their social media accounts, etc. Read Sue's book. There is just TOO much information in it for me to even skim the surface in my little blog summary. Sue and I have different worldviews and opinions on the concept of good and evil and the overall idea of spiritual warfare. However, that doesn't make me respect her vast wealth of knowledge and opinions any less. Her book is one of my most treasured resources.
I could write an entire novel on screen time. It breaks my heart when I sit next to a child and try to help them write a "story" but all they can tell me about is a video game. They have no experiences playing outside. They have never been "bored" and had to make believe because they have had a screen in front of their face for the last seven or eight years. There is decent research that shows playing violent video games like Doom and other shooting games decreases empathy and increases aggressive behavior. Sue talks about this in her book. So I am just going to trust you will go purchase it, and learn more from her.
Have you heard about The Sandy Hook Promise? The Sandy Hook Promise is a non-profit organization that was created by parents who lost children in the Sandy Hook shooting. Their mission is to prevent gun-related deaths due to crime, suicide and accidental discharge so that no other parent experiences the senseless, horrific loss of their child. When you go to their website, you can learn about how to bring training to your community and school leaders to help prevent gun violence in your community. When you donate to this non-profit, your money is going towards people who are advocating for state and federal policies that promote sensible mental health and wellness as well as gun safety laws. I would encourage all my teacher and parent friends to visit their website and see how you can bring The Sandy Hook training into your community and school. When you visit their website, you can chose to have their ebook sent to your email for free. This book is a guide on how to get the ball rolling in your community. You can also "like" their Facebook page to see current information in your news-feed.
If you are passionate about mental health resources, consider visiting www.aviellefoundation.org and making a donation to the Avielle Foundation. This foundation was created in honor of a little girl named Avielle Richman who died in the Sandy Hook shootings. The truth is, most of us are pretty busy living our everyday lives, but there are people who have devoted their life to the prevention of school shootings. Wouldn't it make sense to send them a donation?
If school bullying is of concern to you, look into Rachel's Challenge. It's a foundation dedicated to promoting a peaceful climate in k-12 schools. It also focuses on suicide prevention in children. They have presenters that travel to schools all over the U.S. I also highly recommend reading any books by Darrell Scott, Rachel's father. Rachel Scott was the first student killed at Columbine.
It's time for us to just stop forgetting about these incidents in between occurrences, and then arguing about solutions on Facebook when they happen. DO something. These are just some small actions I believe you can take when these huge tragedies have you feeling very helpless. I realize the sad irony that all the right steps were taken in Florida. Somebody DID see the red flags and called them in. Actually, I think the last I heard over twenty different calls had been made about the Florida shooter. However we can't let that deter us from staying vigilant and cause us to lose hope for our own communities and schools. Educate yourself, get involved, and help. Worry about the kid who seems lost and needs help and don't be scared to speak up. Learn about mental health and how to be proactive. Pray for your schools and the children of your community. Donate your money, read the books. Sue writes "These are issues that urgently need our attention. asking why only makes us feel hopeless. Asking how points the way forward, and shows us what we must do. One thing is certain: when we can do a better job of helping people before their lives are in crisis, the world will become a safer place for all of us".
Labels: Thoughts on Life
