My daughter has been reminding us for the last eight months that her birthday is coming up. She is only in second grade and this is the year of the first big "friend" party. As she sat excitedly writing out invitations last night my husband brought up a story from second grade in which he still remembers all of his friends getting invited to a party, except him. This led to more conversations about whether or not you have to be friends with everyone versus the idea of "including" everyone.
As an educator in the elementary classroom I have some thoughts and opinions on this that I think are worth sharing. It's been talked about how there seems to be a lack of "empathy" among children lately. We are constantly preaching to our youth to "walk up" to the lonely child in the lunch room and such. However I think birthday parties are a great avenue and opportunity for learning to put yourself in another person's shoes. All of my ideas on this are in regards to the ages of sixth grade and under. I have no idea on how to parent once my child is past the sixth grade so feel free to send any tips, books,etc. that you have on seventh graders my way. Let's move on.
First off, consider inviting ALL the girls (if your child is a girl) or ALL the boys (if you have a boy)in your child's class. Because honestly, children are still pretty good at having a good time/ party together with everyone when they are seven years old. This also helps you to connect with and meet the children in your child's everyday life. I get that not everyone is "friends" and it's not real life to be "friends" with everyone. Not everyone get's a first place trophy and all that jazz. Your child might even throw a fit and say, "but I don't want so and so to come!" and "it's my birthday!". This is where you explain to your child about how it's fun to include everyone and important to place others before self.
If you think I am crazy for suggesting this and you live in a polly pocket sized house on a tiny budget, sit down and ask your child to think of someone who doesn't seem to get invited to anything, or someone who doesn't have lots of friends playing with him or her. Reach out and invite one person who is not on your child's usual list of friends. Ask if there is a new kid in town.
It's really hard for the new kids in town to get invites, because parents don't know "their family" and all that dramatic nonsense. There are children who never get invited to birthday parties. I have seen it for ten years, and it's sad. Show your child how to reach out outside of their comfort zone, they are not going to learn it from anyone else but you.
Maybe you are thinking, "good grief. It's not that big of a deal. My kid can invite four people and that's it. Hurt feelings are a part of life." To which I also agree. Yet I think there are some simple things that we can teach our children about etiquette and regarding other peoples feelings, that don't often get covered at home in the busy-ness of life. If your child is not able to invite everyone, and you are sending the invitations with them to school, have a plan. Put the invitations in your child's school folder, and have your child tell the teacher he or she has invitations to pass out. If the teacher is a person with feelings and empathy themselves, they will most likely help handle it in a "discreet" manner by placing the invites in folders and backpacks at an appropriate time. It is not ideal for your child to go gallivanting around the room/school proudly handing envelopes to the chosen winners of the day. When it comes to handing out those birthday invitations, it can be like the queen of England going from door to door, while the maidens (who have already been handed their invites) roll out the red carpet giggling excitedly, proclaiming that "duchess so and so's" presence has been requested at the royal ball Friday after school while the rest of the poor servants of the court longingly looks on. Your children do not mean for this to happen, but when it comes to the excitement surrounding birthday parties things can escalate quite quickly, especially in the elementary sector. Explain to your kids how NOT to let this happen. I gave my daughter this lecture, and am not banking on follow through, but one can hope!
Tell your child to not talk and make plans about said birthday party all day. Will they listen to you? Probably not. But it brings awareness to them to THINK about how others might be feeling. I have sat long days with groups of children yapping about their big plans for after school on Friday at "so and so's party". Meanwhile, the two uninvited children (who never get invited to anything) try to act tough like they don't care, but us teachers will see the tear drop hit the math sheet every now and then. True story.
Next, For the love of everything, do NOT send a big bouquet of balloons, flowers, stuffed animals, candy arrangement, hot air balloon, a pony parade, whatever, to your child at school on the day of their birthday. I get it. As adults, we LOVE getting something delivered to us at work. It makes us feel loved and special on our day. However, you probably work in an environment with grown ups who can function at a grown up job (maybe). Your child is in school with children who are LEARNING how to function among distractions and sometimes extremely stressful home circumstances. Balloons at school might make your child feel awesome for five minutes, but they are going to completely destroy little classmate"Juniors" day because he has never been told he is loved, had a birthday celebrated and gets the tar kicked out of him at home, therefor he is learning to manage his focus and anger issues. If you don't think there are "Juniors" at your child's school, you would be mistaken. And the teacher. The teacher does not want balloons in a classroom full of 8 year olds. Trust me on this. Some other options for you are to surprise your child with balloons in their bedroom when they wake up that morning, or have them ready for your child when he or she gets home from school.
Lastly, let's talk about social media. If not all the boys, or girls, were invited, it is my humble opinion as someone who posts lots of pictures on Facebook, that you should refrain from posting group pictures of the awesome time your child had with all of their friends on Facebook. For similar reasons listed above. You might disagree and say the problem in the world right now is that we are too worried about hurting peoples feelings and your neighbors child is a jerk anyways. I would agree to this statement to an extent. However when it comes to our children and social gatherings, I really enjoy living in a world where we are considerate of everyone's feelings, and we should be teaching our children to do the same.
Disclaimer: I don't claim to be a saint in regards to this topic. There are many times I was inconsiderate and probably made people feel left out throughout middle school and high school. You live and learn, and these are my lessons learned. Labels: Thoughts on Life
